Bree Osbourne
Hipi hitch-hiker
Dialogue
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Elizabeth Osbourne: Look at your life. You've never been able to stick to a decision. I mean, 10 years of college and not a single degree. How do you know you won't change your mind about this, too?
Bree Osbourne: Because I know.
Elizabeth Osbourne: Don't do this awful thing to yourself, please. I miss my son.
Bree Osbourne: Mom, you never had a son.
Elizabeth Osbourne:
[crying] How can you say such a thing?
Bree Osbourne: Now you know how I felt when you hired those private detectives.
Elizabeth Osbourne: We only tried to do the best for you.
Bree Osbourne: Is that why you tried to have me committed?
Elizabeth Osbourne:
[shouting] You tried to kill yourself!
Bree Osbourne: Because you tried to have me committed!
Elizabeth Osbourne: I don't know why you have to be so emotional.
Bree Osbourne:
[shouting] I am not emotional!
[normally] God, my cycle's all out of whack.
Elizabeth Osbourne: You don't have cycles!
Bree Osbourne: Hormones are hormones. Yours and mine just happen to come in purple little pills.
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Bree Osbourne: Eat your vegetables
Toby: [Toby starts eating with his hands]
Bree Osbourne: And might wanna use a fork. Just an idea.
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Bree Osbourne: I got a phone call last night from a juvenile inmate of the New York prison system. He claimed to be Stanley's son.
Margaret: No third-person.
[brief pause]
Bree Osbourne:
My son.
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Dr. Spikowsky: How do you feel about your penis?
Bree Osbourne: It disgusts me. I don't even like looking at it.
Dr. Spikowsky: What about friends?
Bree Osbourne: They don't like it either.
Dr. Spikowsky: No, I mean do you have the support of friends?
Bree Osbourne: I'm very close to my therapist.
Dr. Spikowsky: What about your family?
Bree Osbourne: My family is dead.
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Bree Osbourne: Fasten your seatbelt.
Toby: I don't like wearing them.
Bree Osbourne: Well I don't like the idea of seeing your internal organs splattered all over the dashboard if we get into a wreck, God forbid, so put it on.
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Toby: And these shoes. Three dollars, a dollar fifty each. You know how much these things are worth in Japan?
Bree Osbourne: Three dollars?
Toby: Like 500 dollars. Japanese people kill for old Nikes.
Bree Osbourne: Then you probably should avoid wearing them in Japan.
Toby: Yeah, I'd probably be, like, disemboweled by a ninja.
Bree Osbourne: You don't have to say "like". "Probably disemboweled by a ninja" is sufficient. And please don't put your feet up on the dashboard.
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Toby: I'm out of cigarettes.
Bree Osbourne: Quel dommage.
Toby: What's "quel dommage" mean?
Bree Osbourne: It means you're not getting any cigarettes.
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Wayne: School's gonna be closing in about fifteen minutes.
Toby: Wayne, this is really hard. Do you think you could give me a hand?
Wayne: Sure - what subject?
Toby:
[stands, pushes down his surfer shorts] Sex education.
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Bree Osbourne: Jesus made me this way so I could suffer and be reborn the way he wanted me!
Toby: You're gonna cut your dick off for Jesus?
Bree Osbourne: They don't "cut it off!" It just becomes an innie instead of an outtie.
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Sydney: There's this scruffy looking kid outside. If he's your boyfriend, I'm totally going to slit my wrists.
Elizabeth Osbourne: That dirty-looking boy who came to the door a second ago is your boyfriend? How old is he?
Bree Osbourne: 17.
Elizabeth Osbourne: Oh, my God, Murray, he's underage!
Bree Osbourne: Mom, he's my son.
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Calvin:
[when Bree coughs after drinking mescal] That'll put hair on your chest.
Bree Osbourne: [clasps hands as if praying] Hope not.
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Toby: How come an Indian wears a cowboy hat?
Calvin: Well, I guess it's because it keeps the sun out of my eyes better than a head band and a couple of eagle feathers.