Agent J
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Okay! You know how you're on a airplane and the flight attendant asks you to turn your cell-phone off. And you're like, I ain't turning my cell-phone off, that don't have nothing to do with no damn airplane. Well,
[Showing the crowd a crashed spaceship] this is what we get, that's what happens. It gets up there, bounces around on the satellites, then blam! Just turn your damn cell-phone off. Now you're gonna drive off a cliff tonight because your GPS don't work.
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May I have your attention please...
[neuralyzes a crowd] Okay. You know how your kid won the goldfish in that little baggy from the school fair, and you didn't want that nasty thing in your house so you told your kid it ran away but what you really did was flush it down the toilet? Well, that's what happens.
[points to an alien fish towed away] Okay, see what I'm talking about? Don't lie to your kids!
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[from trailer, talking to Marco, a graffiti alien and a graffiti artist] Crazy, right? Two grown men, talking to the wall, wall talking back, it's a mess. But hey. Don't even worry about it.
Agent K
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[giving a eulogy] I worked with Zed for over 40 years and in all that time he never invited me to dinner, he never asked me to his house to watch a game, he never shared a single detail of his personal life.
[long pause] Thank you!
Boris the Animal
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(To past self) ' With my help, we'll get the Arknet, kill Agent K, the invasion will be successful and we'll get to keep both of our ar...AR...ARRR...STOP STARING AT IT!'
Griffin
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I lost my planet. I don't want you to lose yours. It'll take a miracle, but if you pull this off, you'll be my new favorite moment in human history.
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'When that ball is pitched to Davey Johnson- who only became a baseball player because his father couldn't find him a football to give him for his eighth birthday- it hits his bat two micrometers too high, causing him to pop out to Cleon Jones- who would have been born Clara- a statistical typest, if his parents didn't have an extra glass of wine that night before going to bed.'
Dialogue
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[A guard starts to examine Lily's cake.]
Boris the Animal: Oh, I wouldn't do that.
Lunar Max Guard: Why's that?
Boris the Animal: It'll ruin your figure.
[The guard pokes a finger into the cake... releasing Boris' weasel pet, which attacks.] Partager la citation sur facebook
Lunar Max Guard: You can't win, Boris!
Boris the Animal: Mmm, let's agree to disagree.
Lunar Max Guard: There's too many of us!
Boris the Animal: Rather hot in here. Mind if I open a window?
[Boris shoots a hole in the wall causing a decompression which sucks all Lunar Max guards into outer space.] Partager la citation sur facebook
[from trailer]
Agent J: Marco! You know you're not supposed to be north of Canal Street!
Graffiti artist: Who's Marco?
Marco: Just relax, punk.
[he reveals himself in the walls] They're looking for me and not you.
Agent J: Crazy, right? Two grown men, talking to the wall, wall talking back, it's a mess. But hey. Don't even worry about it.
[He neuralizes the graffiti artist.] Partager la citation sur facebook
Agent K: I promise you the secrets of the universe, nothing more.
Agent J:
[on phone] So what, there's some secrets out there that the universe don't know about?
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Boris the Animal: Hello, K.
Agent K: Boris the Animal.
Boris the Animal: It's just Boris!
Agent K: You haven't changed very much. I see the arm I shot off is... still shot off.
Boris the Animal: Yes... my arm.
[caresses his pet] We've thought about that moment every day for the last forty years.
Agent K: Well, that's just not living a full life.
Boris the Animal: I can promise you it will be longer than yours.
Agent K: Lonelier, too, since you're the last Boglodite standing.
Boris the Animal: We'll see about that. But first, I wanted the pleasure of killing you...
Agent J:
[arrives on the roof] Yo, K.
[Boris starts shooting spikes at J and K, who use the door that J came through as a shield]
Agent K: Where the hell have you been?
Agent J: Fishing!
[Boris continues to shoot spikes until J and K fall off of the roof]
Boris the Animal: You don't know it, K, but you're already dead.
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Agent J: You helped Boris the Animal time jump.
[cocks his weapon]
Jeffrey Price: Whoa, whoa! Ok, I had to! That dude's a freak!
Agent J: He killed my partner! I want to know where and when you sent him.
Jeffrey Price: What, you think I keep, like, a log book?
[He glances down at his log book and winces. Jay flips it open.]
Agent J:
[reading] "Target vector: July 16, 1969."
Jeffrey Price: All right, all right. That's a real bummer about your buddy. I'm sure he was, like, a really great guy, but in terms of the whole space-time continuum, your friend was like a little blip on the historical radar!
[J spins him around to a wall of televisions, seeing a news report on the Boglodites invading Earth.]
Jeffrey Price: Oh... that's a big blip.
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Agent J: K!
[O notices Agent J trying to call for his partner] Alright. You got me. I give it to you, it's funny, very elaborate.
[to everyone looking at him] Oh, and all of
you. Fantastic performances. Can't believe you waited 14 years to develop a sense of humor, but, this is a good one. But, K, I need you to come out here
now, 'cause I'm
really starting to get a little bit pissed off!
O: Agent J, would you mind keeping your voice down, and telling me who it is you're looking for?
Agent J: I'm looking for K!
O: Who is K?
Agent J:
[grunts] You, too? You, too?
O: I mean, who is he to
you?
Agent J: My partner! Older gentlemen! 110, maybe 111 years old. Sort of a surly-Elvis thing happening with him. He smiles, like this:
[J makes a poker face] Seen him around?!
O:
[appearing a bit saddened] I'll take you to K.
Agent J: Thank you!
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Agent J:
[having just arrived in 1969] My man, what's today?
Man in Chrysler Building elevator: Tuesday.
Agent J: The date?
Man in Chrysler Building elevator: The 15th.
Agent J: Of?
Man in Chrysler Building elevator: July.
Agent J: Dog, the year!
Man in Chrysler Building elevator: 1969.
Agent J: Thank you! Looking at me like I'm crazy.
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Agent J: You need to turn the electricity down on that damn thing. Can't taste my fricking tongue, K!
Young Agent K: How do you know my name?
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Agent J: That's not an eye exam, K. That's a big-ass Neuralyzer!
Young Agent K: You sure have a lot of information for a fella who doesn't know anything.
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Young Agent K: Last chance. Who are you, and what do you know?
Agent J: I am an agent of "Men in Black", but I'm from the future. We're partners. 25 years from now, you're gonna recruit me, and 14 years after that, the guy you didn't let me kill at Coney Island, he escapes from prison, and jumps back in the past and unleashes a full scale invasion of Earth. We got about 19 hours to catch him and kill him so we really need to go right now!
Young Agent K:
[after a pause] Alright.
Agent J: So that's the story you believe?
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Agent J:
[after knocking out the four-armed alien] Still keep the key under the ashtray.
Young Agent K: Lucky guess. Now, where were we?
Bowling Ball Head: I was just about to tell you to screw off.
Young Agent K:
[to Agent J] Hey, slick, you bowl in the future?
Agent J: Absolutely, MIB league champ, three years running.
Young Agent K: Well, let's see it.
[walks up to the alien and pulls his head off; Agent J is slightly horrified by this as Young Agent K hands the head to him]
Bowling Ball Head: Unh! You can not just walk into my establishment and rip my head off!
Agent J: My man, look. We don't have a lot of time for this. You really need to tell him something.
Bowling Ball Head: I'll tell him
this!
[gestures rudely and glares at Young Agent K]
Agent J: Alright, your head.
[Bowling Ball Head's face fills with fear as Agent J carries him to a lane; Young Agent K inhales with exasperation]
Bowling Ball Head: Wait... Hey, if you do this, I am gonna hunt you down, and I will make sure that you walk funny for the–
[J rolls him down the aisle, knocking over 8 pins, leaving pins 7 and 10 still standing] rest of your miserable last days on Earth! Unh!
Young Agent K: Tough spare, slick.
[Agent J groans; the Bowling Ball Head rolls into the ball return]
Bowling Ball Head: You messed with the wrong head!
Agent J: His head is a little...
[walks up to the ball return and humorously peers inside]
Young Agent K: You gonna tell us where Dom is?
Bowling Ball Head:
[angrily speaking unintelligibly] I'll kill you both. I swear I'll kill both of youse!
Agent J:
[as he prepares to roll the alien's head down the aisle again, he accidentally drops it, and it hits the floor] Ooh!
Bowling Ball Head: Ow! Jesus!
[Young Agent K grabs a bag for cleaning bowling balls]
Young Agent K: Looks like your hook's a little off. You want me to clean her?
Agent J:
[figuring it might make him talk] Oh, yeah, sure thing.
[throws the head to Young Agent K, who immediately starts rubbing him with the bag]
Bowling Ball Head: Oh, no, no, no! Aw, come on! I just cleaned the bathroom with this thing! Please, no cleaning! No cleaning! Stop cleaning! Okay! Okay, alright!
[Young Agent K stops and removes the head from the bag] Alright, he's in the back. But he's not gonna talk to any Men in Black scum like you!
[while talking, the headless body points at Young Agent K] Now give me back my head!
[Young Agent K ignores his demand and throws the head back to Agent J]
Agent J: K, I call this one...
Bowling Ball Head:
[as Agent J puts his fingers in his nose] Oh!
Agent J: ...low-hanging-fruit.
Bowling Ball Head: That ain't a finger hole, you sick bastard!
[Agent J turns and approaches the aisle and rolls the head between his legs; it bounces slightly towards the pins] Ow! How about I pop your head off and see how you like it?!
[Agent J humorously makes it look like he's directing the ball; the Bowling Ball Head rolls right into Pin 7, knocking it into Pin 10] Ow!
[the Bowling Ball Head, upside down, seethes with anger at the agents]
Agent J:
[satisfied] Ooh! Mmm!
[gestures to Young Agent K to go to the back room]
Bowling Ball Head: I'm gonna kill both of you! I'm gonna kill the both of youse! I'll kill you both!
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[referring to everyone at the party in The Factory]
Agent J: Is there anybody here who is not an alien?
[as they look around them J notices a man that looks like Andy Warhol taking photos]
Agent J: Is that Andy Warhol?
Young Agent K: Yep.
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Agent W: GOD DAMN IT K! What, are you trying to blow my cover?!
Agent K: Agent W, your cover is safe.
Agent J: Woah, Andy Warhol's one of us?!
Agent W: Safe? Are you out of your mind? I'm so out of ideas, I'm painting...soup cans and bananas for Christ sakes.
Agent J: Uh, actually, Mr Warhol, I'm a huge fan of your work.
Agent W: Oh thank you. Who's the dumbass?
Agent J: Woah, how about a little professional courtesy.
Agent W: What's that dumbass?
Agent J: Say it again.
Agent W: You want me too?
Agent J: I dare you.
Agent W: Dumbass.
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Andy Warhol:
[referring to J] Who's that guy? Okay, don't tell me he's your new partner.
Young Agent K: Actually, he's my old partner. He traveled back from the future to save the planet...
Andy Warhol: Jesus! Stop, don't tell me. I don't wanna know.
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Young Agent K: Well, how are we gonna find this guy?
Andy Warhol: What am I, a schmuck?
[Warhol points to the party]
Young Agent K: What, he's here?
Andy Warhol: Well, here is a relative term. He's a fifth dimensional being. They can live in and visualize an infinite set of time-space probabilities simultaneously.
Young Agent K: Alright, sounds like fun. Good work.
[young K turns to go back to the party]
Andy Warhol: Whoa! Whoa! K! K! K! You gotta fake my death, okay? I can't listen to sitar music anymore.
Young Agent K: Alright, I'll see what I can do. I'll talk to X.
[young K turns to go back to the party]
Andy Warhol: K, I can't tell the women from the men!
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[while young K is talking to Warhol, J encounters Griffin at the party not knowing who he is]
Agent J: How's is it going?
Griffin: Going? How's it going? Well, that depends. For me personally, it's good, things are good. Unless, of course, we're in the possible future where the muscle boy near the door gets into an argument with his girlfriend, which causes her to storm away and bump into the guy carrying the stuffed mushroom, who then dumps the tray onto those sailors on leave and a shoving match breaks out and they crash into the coffee table here. In which case, I gotta move my plate like right now.
[J watches as everything Griffin says happens]
Griffin: Or, if it's the possible future, in which the pastrami sandwich I'm eating causes me gastric distress. But thankfully your friend, sir, will offer some of the antacids he carries in his right pocket. So I'll be good, I'll be good. Except in the case of the possible future where I have to leave in two and a half minutes, just before he has a chance to offer me the antacids. So, on the whole, I'd have to say, not good. I'm not good.
[J gives Griffin a confused look]
Griffin: But that depends.
Agent J: K!
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Young Agent K: We need pie.
Agent J: What?
Young Agent K: My grand daddy always said, if you got a problem that you can't solve, helps to get out of your head. Pie, it's good.
Agent J: Pie?
Young Agent K: Yeah.
Agent J: Your grand daddy, heavy set man?
Young Agent K: A little bit.
Agent J: Yeah, you know what? We've been doing smart stuff, we've been following clues, doing real police work. It might be time we do something stupid. Something that ain't got nothing to do with nothing. Ah, you know what? Now I want some pie, K. I want some pie. Let's go get some dumb-ass pie!
[J walks off]
Young Agent K: Sounds good.
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Young Agent K:
[chasing Boris on motorcycles, who has captured Griffin]: You all right there, Chief?
Agent J: Hell, yeah. It’d be better with four wheels! Two is, like, my minimum.
Young Agent K: What happens if Boris gets the Arknet?
Agent J: Boglodite invasion, total destruction of Earth!
Young Agent K: We gotta stop this guy!
Agent J: I've been trying! You haven't been trying?
Young Agent K: Hey, slick. In the future, do we ever do the Texas two-step?
Agent J: Yes, sir!
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Older Boris:
[to his younger self] You pathetic waste of Boglodite flesh, I'd kill you right now, if I didn't value my own life.
Younger Boris: Who are you?
Older Boris: Look at you. Every mistake I've ever made just waiting to happen.
Younger Boris: What happened to my arm?
Older Boris: You lose it – shot off by a human.
Younger Boris: No human can defeat me.
Older Boris: You spend the next forty years in prison. Chained up, like an animal!
Younger Boris: No prison can hold me!
Older Boris: They built one especially for us, on the moon.
Younger Boris: No human has been to the moon, so they cannot have built it there already.
Older Boris:
STOP ARGUING! You can avoid all of that, if you just listen to me!
Younger Boris:
YOU were defeated!
YOU let it get shot off! That wasn't
me, that was
YOU!
[both roar at each other]
Older Boris: What's your plan?
Younger Boris: Prevent the ArkNet from being deployed. Kill anyone who tries!
Older Boris: Good plan, didn't work. With
my help, we'll get the Arc Net, kill agent K, the invasion will be successful, and we'll get to keep both of our ar-
[growls after noticing that younger Boris is staring at his stump] STOP STARING AT IT! Listen.
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[As K, J, and Griffin wearing the jetpacks land back on the ground]
Griffin: So glad this isn't one of the times we explode.
J: One of the times?!
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J: Thanks... will I ever see you again?
Griffin: Anything's possible.
J: Man... Griffin!
[J leaves. Griffin's face falls and he looks at the camera.]
Griffin: I can never bear to watch this part.
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J:
[after returning from the past] And really, I just want to say thank you.
K: It's been my privilege.
J: You know, there's a really high possibility now that I might know some things you don't know.
K: I doubt it.
J: I bet I know what went on between you and O.
K: She's a very fine lady, but you know the rules: there's no fraternizing amongst agents.
J: I think y'all might have fraternized a time or two...
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[last lines]
[Griffin looks at the camera and smiles]
Griffin: This is my new favorite moment in human history.
[face falls] ...unless this is the one where K forgot to leave a tip.
[Griffin looks over at K's place setting - no tip. In alarm, he looks up as the camera shows a meteor hurtling towards Earth. Griffin looks down as K enters and leaves a tip.]
K: Almost forgot.
[K leaves. In space, a satellite drifts into the meteor's path, causing it to explode harmlessly. Griffin looks at the camera and smiles.]
Griffin: That was a close one.
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J: Ooh, man, you look like you come from the planet...damn!
K: And Bob here is a clear violation of Health Ordinance 32: Selling unlicenced, extraterrestrial...[sees Spiky Bulba]...foodstuffs.
Wu: That is an Earth fish- very traditional in China! You arrest me, that's a hate crime!
K: It would be if you were Chinese! [Snatches Wu's robe and hat off- revealing his six arms, six legs, and antennas]
Wu: K, come on, I got larvae to feed.
[K punches Wu with the Spiky Bulba]
K: Who's the Spiky Bulba for, Wu?
Wu: Nobody.
[K punches him with the Spiky Bulba again]
K: Who's it for?!
Wu: I keep them just in case.
K: In case what?!
[Punches Wu again]
Wu: I don't know! Anybody.
K: Alright, you slug. [Goes to throw the Spiky Bulba at Wu]
J: [Intervening] Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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J: Wu... uh... he and I are having issues in our relationship right now, but you shouldn't have to suffer for that.
Wu: Thank you, J.
J: So if you don't like getting fish-slapped, I'm gonna need you to keep to our agreements- Earth people get Earth fish. Real Earth fish.
Wu: On behalf of my pathetic self and worthless children, you stay. Allow me most honourable benefit of serving you... favorite noodles, K?
J: Tell them I want none of your nasty-ass noodles, Wu.
K: You're a piece of shit, Wu. Shrimp and bok joy. We're gonna be here for a while.
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Griffin: Thank you for saving my life.
Young K: Well, it's what we do.
J: D'you still have the Arcnet?
Griffin: When your being hunted by Boris the Animal, you get good at hiding things. [He removed his hat, revealing the Arcnet inside his head]
J: Woah!
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Griffin: [Putting his hat back on] Once it's outside the atmosphere, it gets a whole lot bigger. All you have to do is deploy it.
Young K: You mean in space?! Well, how do you suppose we do that?
Griffin: [Looking out to the distance] Ah, it's just one small step.
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Young K: The Moon Launch
J: Cape Canaveral. July 16th, 1969.
Young K: We've got six hours to get to Florida, better get a move on slick.