Dialogue
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[first lines]
Gonzo: Hey, wait for me! Hold the boat! I'm coming! Noah! Mr. The Ark! I'm here. Barely made it. For a minute, there. I thought you were leaving without...
[Noah stops him] Gee, Mr. Noah, sir, I'm gonna come too.
Noah: What are you, anyway?
Gonzo: Oh, uh... Good question. Now technically speaking, uh, let's say, put me down as a whatever.
Noah: What do you mean? What is your species?
Gonzo: Uh, well, I, I, I... I don't know. I guess there's only one of me.
Noah:
[Steps back, then points at gonzo] THEN YOU ARE
DOOMED! [he walks inside, closing the door on Gonzo]
Gonzo: Wait. Wait! Oh. Huh?
Noah:
[opens the door] Um...
Gonzo: Yes, sir?
Noah: You may need this.
[grabs an umbrella to Gonzo, then closing the door on him again]
Gonzo: But, but, but, but...
[opens the umbrella, causing to rain] Oh!
[screaming in fear] NOOO!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! No! No!
No! I don't wannna be alone! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[dissolve to reality]
Gonzo:
[muttering] No, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to be alone. No, no.
[snaps out of his dream, screams] NOOO!!!!
[accidentally knocks his best friend Rizzo the Rat out of the hammock, screaming out the window] I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE!!!!!!
Rizzo:
[off-screen] You're not alone.
Gonzo:
[notices rizzo] Who-Who Said That?
Rizzo:
[As The Scene Shows Gonzo Looking Back And Forth Until He Notices The Window, Off-Screen] Gee. I Don't Know. Maybe It's The Rat Who's HANGING OUT OF THE
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Gonzo: [excited] Hey, guys! The Cosmic Fish have spoken to me: I'M FROM
OUTER SPAAAAAAAACE!
Rizzo: [not listening] Yeah, yeah, that's great - Pepe, are you in or out?
Pepe: I'm in.
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Gonzo: Remember guys, I built this new Jacuzzi for my alien family, so no eating in the spa.
Rizzo: [guiltily] We gotta tell him the truth, Pepe.
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Johnny: Sal.
Sal: Yeah, Johnny?
Johnny: There are no cannolis!
Sal: Yeah,
[holds up a slice of cake] but try this cake, this is a beauty!
Johnny: That
is nice! Would you...
[sees Gonzo, panics;] Gonzo, Gonzo!
[Sal and Johnny turn away as Gonzo approaches]
Gonzo: Go easy on the buffet, fellas, I just want...
[stops, seeing the cake cut and gets shocked] Who...cut...the cake? WHO CUT THE CAKE?!
WHO CUT IT?!?!
Johnny [feigning outrage] Oh, look at that!
Sal: [feigning outrage] Who cut this cake?!
Johnny: That's awful. They would've done...
[walks off with Sal]
Gonzo: The guests of honor aren't even
here yet!
Fozzie: Hey, great party!
Gonzo: [sighs] Yeah...
[looks up at the sky] I just wish they'd get here.
Sal: [in the background] Hey, you! Did you cut Gonzo's cake?
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Pepe: You said you going to tell him, okay?
Rizzo: Pepe, the Jacuzzi thing was
your idea, and
you have to tell him!
Pepe: [beat] Si, I will tell him, okay?
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[Gonzo appears on TV]
Clifford: You better get down there, Kerm.
Kermit: Relax, no one is going
anywhere, okay?
Gonzo: [on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and it was confirmed by the Cosmic Fish that I am from outer space.
Rizzo: [to Kermit] So, you wanna go
now, or wait for the commercial?
Kermit: ...
Now.
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Kermit: Listen, aren't you taking this alien thing a little
too far?
Gonzo: Kermit, I realize that it may be hard for you to accept me as an alien... But I didn't
choose to be one. And, well, I've
always had alien tendencies - this just makes sense to me!
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Miss Piggy: [to the agents taking Gonzo and Rizzo away] Hey, studmuffin, hold it!
Agent Barker: [to the other agent] I'll deal with her.
Miss Piggy: [sarcastically] Oh, ha-ha you'll
deal with moi? Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to get a story okay.
Agent Barker: How about this story? It's about a big bad wolf and a little pig.
Miss Piggy: No, that's
three pigs okay.
Agent Barker: [menacingly] Not in this version.
Miss Piggy: [frowns] Hey, Wait a minute, you're not part of an alien-protection agency! Who are you? Where are you taking Gonzo?! [He grabs her arm] hey!
[A stand off between Miss Piggy and Agent Barker] Hi-yah!
Agent Barker: I'm impressed! [Knocks down a standing post] Black belt, third degree.
Miss Piggy: Hi-yah! [Knocks down wooden stand] Platinum belt, with an unlimited line of credit.
Agent Barker: [grins] I like
this party!
Miss Piggy: Oh, ahh, tough guy, tough guy, ha-ha!! Come on, show me, show me! Oh, look, Cindy Crawford.
Agent Barker: Huh?
Miss Piggy: Hi-yah! [She hits him in the stomach] ha-ha-ha!
Agent Barker: [chuckles] Where have you been all my life?
Miss Piggy: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! [They start dancing around until Agent Barker punches her in the face] Is that all you got?! [Miss Piggy keeps saying it after each punch on her nose until Agent Barker grabs her head and gives her a noogie] Not the noogie! HI!!!! [She punches him in the crotch and then he lets her go] Eh!
Agent Barker: Ooh! [He falls on his knees] Oooooooooooooooh! [He tumbles to the ground]
Miss Piggy: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! MAMA!!!!!!
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Miss Piggy: Listen, everyone, listen. I've got great news! Gonzo has been kidnapped by the government, and it could be a life-threatening situation!
[Everyone gasps in horror]
Kermit: How can that be "great news"?
Miss Piggy: Because... I've got the story! I've got the story!
[gasps] I need to change!
[runs up the stairs] Something that says, "Journalistic integrity"! Oh, I've gotta pee!
Kermit: Oh, brother!
Fozzie: What are we gonna do?
Kermit: Okay, guys, it's up to us: We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents!
Fozzie: Well... I have a joke book.
Animal: Drumsticks! Drumsticks!
Pepe: I have some loose Jell-O, okay?
[holds it up and wiggles it]
Kermit: ...Okay, well, that settles that. In circumstances like this, there's only one place to turn...
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[Rizzo is in a rat maze in a laboratory with other rats]
Bubba: [to Rizzo] Hey, Riz. Watch out for those red coicles.
Rizzo: What red circles? I don't see any...
[is all of a sudden electrocuted and is launched into the air]
Bubba: Nobody ever listens...
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Kermit: We gotta get through that door.
Fozzie: Should we just ask permission from those nice men with the rifles?
Kermit: [exasperated] Fozzie, those are the
bad guys!
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[Everyone falls into a pile after becoming invisible]
Pepe: Come on, Kermit. I will help you up, okay.
[beat] Why, Kermit, you're so soft and plump...
Miss Piggy: [threateningly] You got
one second to get your hands off me, shrimp.
Pepe: [mortified] Sorry, Piggy!
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Dr. Van Neuter: Let's see here... Have you ever experienced any achiness in your tentacles?
Gonzo: I don't have tentacles!
Dr. Van Neuter: Good, no achy tentacles, good... Head ever come off?
Gonzo: No, I don't think so.
Dr. Van Neuter: Good, good, good. Any gingivitis?
Gonzo: No.
Dr. Van Neuter: Great. What about problems with that beaky thing you've got there? Itching, swelling, flaking?
Gonzo: Well, some flaking a couple years ago-
Dr. Van Neuter: [throws away clipboard] Oh, who cares?
It's showtime!
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Miss Piggy: Midnight the lone Alien stands before a naked Sky the moon is tense my hair looks great!.
Shelly Snipes: What?!
Shelly Snipes: I don't believe this!.
Miss Piggy: Oh! Uh, Shelly.
Shelly Snipes: You back stabbing underhanded little coffe pig.
Miss Piggy: What?
Shelly Snipes: This is my show, my story, my microphone
[Shelly takes the microphone and the camera man starts filming her instead of Miss Piggy] This is Shelly Snipes reporting please ignore this little sow
[Miss Piggy takes back the microphone and the camera man starts filming her again]
Miss Piggy: Disregard this women I don't know what--
[Shelly pulls her ear] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Hi-yah!
[She hits her in the stomach and tackles her]
Both: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Miss Piggy: [She raps her legs around Shellys head] Wah! [She gets up but Shelly grabs her hair and pulls her down] Wah! Yah!
[her legs go flying through the air] [Shelly also pounds miss piggy then gets up and spits out a weave from miss piggy until she gets sprayed by her]
Shelly snipes: What am I doing?
Miss Piggy: Um, you are about to give me your job and give everyone here a cup of coffee.
Shelly Snipes: Oh yes of course right away.
Miss Piggy: I love this stuff.
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Singer: [to himself] Where is he?
Agent Rentro: I didn't overhear anything...
Singer: [looks up] Did I ask you if you overheard anything?
Agent Rentro: [guilty] No, sir.
Singer: Because if you
did overhear anything, l'm sure you would tell me.
Agent Rentro: Yes, sir.
Singer: Or do I have to remind you of Mr. Jumbo's Circus Town and Wild Animal Revue?
[Rentro looks afraid] [angrily] Where's he going?!
[Rentro stays silent] Oh, look; Sunday's half price at the petting zoo...!
Agent Rentro: Okay, okay! They're going to Cape Doom!
Singer: Good, good. Get me the Subatomic Neutro-Destabilizer.
[Rentro looks at him blankly] The Subatomic Neutro...
[gives up] Oh, the really big gun.
Agent Rentro: The really big gun! Yes, sir! The really big gun...
[retrieves it from a secret compartment, and hands it to Singer] Really big gun.
Singer: [holds out hand] Clip.
Agent Rentro: [hands it to him] Clip!
[Singer loads the gun]
Singer: Let's head for my car.
Agent Rentro: [stops] Oh. Problem there, sir.
[Singer stops] Remember those parking tickets you asked me to take care of for you? And I said that-
Singer: Oh, just
say it.
Agent Rentro ...Car's impounded.
[Singer glares at him] Oh, we can take my company car!
Singer: ...Fine.
Agent Rentro: Great!
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[After Singer's gun fails to fire at Gonzo and his family]
Kermit: [relieved] That was a close one.
Agent Rentro: Not as close as you think, my friend.
[holds up gun clip] [imitating gun:] "Please load weapon"!
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[last lines]
Gonzo: What a great day! That was probably the best day of my whole life!
[pause] But, there's
one' thing I don't understand.
Kermit: What's that, Gonzo?
Gonzo: Why did they ask me to build a Jacuzzi?
[Pepe chuckles]