Jay & Bob contre-attaquent (2001)

Partager la citation sur facebook Holy fuck, is that monkey waving at us? Oh shit, it understood us! Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey. What if there's more supermonkeys up at that lab? [shouts] What if they're creating an army of them? Holy shit. It must be a conspiracy like in the X-Files... Roswell style! This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey — the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh, and only those as super-smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry "You maniacs! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!"

Partager la citation sur facebook Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
Mother mother fuck,
Mother mother fuck fuck,
Mother fuck mother fuck,
Noise, noise, noise.
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,
Noise, noise, noise.
Smoking weed, smoking whizz,
Doing coke, drinking beers,
Drinking beers, beers, beers,
Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts.
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts!
Rolling blunts and smoke the b...

Partager la citation sur facebook 15 bucks, little man,
Put that shit in my hand
If that money doesn't show
Then you owe me, owe me, owe

Partager la citation sur facebook Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?

Partager la citation sur facebook What the fuck is The Internet?

Partager la citation sur facebook What? I have a wiping problem. I stick those little pieces of paper up my brown eye, and BAM! No shit stains on my undies. What, you don't believe me? Let me show you. Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks so you can see the fucking stink nuggets!

Partager la citation sur facebook All you motherfuckers are gonna pay! You are the ones who are the ball-lickers! We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little, whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who is making the movie, we're gonna make them eat our shit, then shit out our shit, and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we made them eat. Then all you motherfucks are next. Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

Partager la citation sur facebook (While humping Silent Bob) I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing the monkey! Stealing the little monkey!

Partager la citation sur facebook (On videotape) I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to do. No one rules C.L.I.T. like me. Not this little fuck, none of you little fucks out there. I am the C.L.I.T. commander! Remember that, commander of all C.L.I.T.s! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.

Partager la citation sur facebook [grabs Jay and yells at him] THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID "Critters of Hollywood"! YOU DUMB FUCK!

Partager la citation sur facebook Oh, but I think it is. We had a deal with you on the comics, remember, for likeness rights? And as we're not only the artistic basis, but also the character basis for your intellectual property, Bluntman & Chronic when said property was optioned by Miramax Films, you were legally obliged to secure our permission to transfer the concept to another medium. As you failed to do that, Banky... you are in breach of the original contract. Ergo, you find yourself in a very actionable position.

Partager la citation sur facebook Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? I mean, ya gotta grow, man. Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? [gestures to Silent Bob] I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out "When, Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foulmouthed little chucklehead, to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord? When? When's gonna be my time?"

Partager la citation sur facebook A Jay and Silent Bob movie? Who would pay to see that? [Holden, Jay, and Silent Bob look out into the audience]

Partager la citation sur facebook [to a customer who is bending a comic book's spine] It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.

Partager la citation sur facebook Here's the pulse, alright, and here's your finger far from the pulse jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Partager la citation sur facebook [trying to compose a protest song] Hey, Mr. Science Guy... don't spray that aerosol in my eye... for... for I... I don't really wanna die. I'm a noble rabbit...

Partager la citation sur facebook Banky: Stop the movie? What are you, crazy?
Jay: All these assholes on the Internet are calling us names because of this stupid fucking movie.
Banky: That's what the Internet is for. Slandering others anonymously.

Partager la citation sur facebook Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Echo Base, I've got a 10-07: two unauthorized on the lot. Requesting backup.
Echo Base: [on Gordon's walkie-talkie] I thought that was a 10-82.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: No, sir. A 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Echo Base: Oh, that Affleck!

Partager la citation sur facebook [A group of security guards run onto the set of "Good Will Hunting 2"]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Sorry, sirs. Looks like we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
Matt Damon: Jesus, Ben. Again?
Ben Affleck: No, 'cause I wasn't with a hooker today. Ah-ha!

Partager la citation sur facebook Whillenholly: Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.
Sheriff: One rectal breach comin' up.

Partager la citation sur facebook Justice: Hi, I'm Justice.
Jay: And I'm so fucking yours.
[Justice is repulsed when Jay makes a quick save]
Jay: Oh, hi. I'm Jay and this is my hetero-life-mate, Silent Bob.
Justice: It's nice to meet you.
Jay: Justice, that's a nice name...
[Aside, to Silent Bob]
Jay: Jay and Justice sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g...

Partager la citation sur facebook Willenholly: Oh, great. This is the last thing I needed. A bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off to liberal media that the Federal Wildlife Marshall office persecutes gays.
Sheriff: Are you fucking crazy? Now they may be gay, but that's not their son, that's the ape!
Willenholly: I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, okay? And the only thing I do recognize right now, is a political fiasco here, that I'm about to avoid by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go. [on bullhorn] You are free to leave, sirs! And might I add, that's a fine looking boy you're raising.