Craig Schwartz
Maxine Lund
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Behind the stubble and the too-prominent brow and the male-pattern baldness... I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
Lotte Schwartz
John Malkovich
Charlie Sheen
Others
Dialogue
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Lotte: For the first time, everything just felt right.
Craig: It's just a phase. It's the thrill of seeing through somebody else's eyes.
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Maxine: So I've been thinking...Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?
Craig: Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine. He's a celebrity.
Maxine: Good. We'll sell tickets!
Craig: Tickets to Malkovich?
Maxine: Exactly! $200 a pop!
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Dr. Lester: Ah, tell me Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying?
Lotte: Oh yes, Dr. Lester, absolutely. You were just explaining the, um, nutritional value of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form, which I personally couldn't agree more with.
Dr. Lester: Oh, be still my heart!
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John M.: The...this...the weird thing is this Maxine likes to call me Lotte.
Charlie Sheen: Ouch! That is hot! Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover...Sounds like my kind of gal! Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John M.: What are you talking about, done with her? Tonight really freaked me out!
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John M.: Charlie, I don't know anything about the girl, man! She could be like a fucking witch or something!
Charlie Sheen: That's even better! Hot lesbian witches! Think about it! It's fucking genius!
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Dr. Lester: Any questions?
Craig: Well, just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
Dr. Lester: Low overhead my boy! We pass the savings onto you! Hahaha!
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John M.: I have been to the dark side and back! I have seen a world that no man should see!
Craig: Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.
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Craig: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like!
Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
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Dr. Lester: Floris! Get Guinness on the phone!
Floris: Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine.
Dr. Lester: Damn fine woman, Floris. I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.
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John Malkovich: That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!
Craig: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.
John M.: It's my head, Schwartz, and I will see you in court!
Craig: And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
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