Bad Santa (2003)

Partager la citation sur facebook I said, "Next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV, all right? Move it along.

Partager la citation sur facebook [while having sex] Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby! You ain't gonna shit right for a WEEK!

Partager la citation sur facebook [to Thurman] Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?....He kicked my ass. You know why?...It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You gonna have to quit being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something...Or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.

Partager la citation sur facebook Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first.

Partager la citation sur facebook [in a letter to Thurman] Dear Kid, I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it, although there was blood on the presents you gave me which didn't keep me from enjoying it, so maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. Just in case they took it as evidence, I'm also sending you a T-shirt, I hope it's the right size. I'm healing up good and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, even with eight bullets dug out of me cause they didn't hit any vital organs, just my liver, which is fucked anyway. Hahaha. Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you so they set it up with Ms. Santa's Sister to watch you till your dad gets back in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro tem, or some such shit. Anyway, she makes better money than bartending and seems to like you, your house, and Jacuzzi. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit for them like I did. Thank you for giving that letter to the cops, I forgot to ask you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass, and now the cops know I wrote it which is gonna keep my ass outta jail. That plus everyone agreeing that to Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty now, which is new in my experience. They're gonna make me the sensitivity counselor, so that tragedies like this will never again embarrass the whole fucking department. Whatever. So I'll be staying in Phoenix now telling the police how screwed up they are, which is not a bad job as jobs go. They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, so I'll see you when I come over and fuck Ms. Santa's Sister in the Jacuzzi. Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, least of all, yourself. Anyway, see you soon. Santa.

Partager la citation sur facebook [to Willie] You're an emotional fucking cripple. Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.

Partager la citation sur facebook You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot eatin' shit that has every slid from a human being's hairy ass.

Partager la citation sur facebook Jesus Christ! Can you maybe at least keep it together for just 10 minutes?

Partager la citation sur facebook When I look at you, you know what I think? I think America has a sad future ahead of it....

Partager la citation sur facebook [Chipeska is seen arguing with a man who had been the Chamberlain's Santa for years.]
Bob Chipeska: Harrison, will you listen please? Financially--
Fired Santa: Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. Five Christmases I've been here, and now you flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and happens to work with a real midget. Well, let me tell you something, though: nobody cares! Nobody comes for the elf; Santa's the main attraction. I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmoe even play guitar?
Bob Chipeska: Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. Believe me if it was-- I don't think they like the term midget. I think you're supposed to call them--
Fired Santa: Oh, just forget it! [Walks away as Willie and Marcus enters the store, then yells to them] Hacks!
Bob Chipeska: [to Marcus and Willie] Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resumè by the way.
Marcus: Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.
Bob Chipeska: I'm so glad you two can come at such a short notice. You two are perfect for this job, truly.
[Willie drones out the conversation between Bob and Marcus, eyeing a woman's ass as she walks]
Bob Chipeska: So, I don't want his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way.
Marcus: Oh, no, we--
Willie: Performance?
Bob Chipeska: Yes. Your performance. You know, the...
Willie: Performance, like, sexual?
[Bob looks up at Willie in confusion]
Bob Chipeska: Excuse me?
Marcus: Willie.
Willie: Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?
Bob Chipeska: I'm sorry, your gear?
Marcus: Willie...
Willie: My fuck stick!
[Bob makes a shocked and disgusted look, Marcus quickly saves the situation by shoving Willie]
Marcus: Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.
Bob Chipeska: He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children, is he?
Marcus: No! It was just a joke. An adult joke for us adults. It's a joke. Just a joke.

Partager la citation sur facebook Gin:[smoking a cigarette in his office] "Fuck stick"?
Bob Chipeska: Yeah, I know it's odd, but as our security manager, I want you to be well aware of this. His little friend promised he won't say it in front of the children which is fine. There is an adult's world and a child's world and that's OK. I'm no censor.

Partager la citation sur facebook Marcus: It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
Willie: That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
Bob Chipeska: It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...
Willie: Fornicate?
Bob Chipeska: Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
Willie: Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.
Bob Chipeska: Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...
Marcus: If we what?
Bob Chipeska: Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.
Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.
Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?
Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
Willie: You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said "you people".
Marcus: Who the hell is "us people"?
Bob Chipeska: No... He said... I... you don't under-- what? No, no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
Willie: Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here Marcus.
[Willie and Marcus get up to leave, with Marcus taking a candy cane from a cup, as Willie turns back to Bob]
Willie: You're pathetic.

Partager la citation sur facebook Marcus: Willie, this has been a long time coming. Every year, you're worse. Every year, you're less reliable. More booze, more bullshit, more butt-fucking.
Willie: Sure, the 3 B's.

Partager la citation sur facebook Sue: You're pretty regular for a Santa.
Willie: It's not that much of a big fucking deal. It's just a job, you know what I mean? I'm just an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus.
Sue: Prove it.
[cut to Willie and Sue having casual sex in Willie's car with Willie still wearing his Santa uniform]
Sue: Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa!
Willie: Can't I at least take this hat off?
Sue: NO! I love the hat.
Willie: Okay.

Partager la citation sur facebook Sue: I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.
Willie: So is my thing for tits.

Partager la citation sur facebook [Marcus is scolding Willie for dry-humping an underage lady in the arcade]
Marcus: That's just the kinda shit that's gonna get us pinched.
Willie: She said she was 18.
Marcus: But you promised no arcades! You said you'd only hustle Big and Tall.
Willie: What, you shat me outta your womb? You're my fucking mom now? I don't need any goddamn lectures outta you. I know how to keep a low profile, thank you. [unlocks the stolen BMW]
Marcus: [referring to the car] What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile?!
Willie: Mind your own goddamn business. [opens the driver's side door, and several empty beer bottles and cans spill out onto the ground. Willie gets in, starts the car and drives off]
Marcus: [shouting after Willie] Ever hear of the open-bottle law?!

Partager la citation sur facebook Woman in Food Court: Look who's here, Jimmy! It's Santa!
Willie: Great. Fucking great.
Woman in Food Court: Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.
Willie: Fuck. [turns to the woman and son and yells] I'M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK, OK?!
Woman in Food Court: [offended] Are you insane?! Management's gonna hear about this.
Willie: Think that's a threat? You really think you can make my fucking life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my fucking guest. Take a shot.

Partager la citation sur facebook Willie: You know, I think I've turned a corner.
Marcus: Yeah? You fucking petites now?
Willie: No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.
Marcus: You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many fuckin' years of therapy.

Partager la citation sur facebook He's very naughty . . . and not very nice.

Partager la citation sur facebook He doesn't care if you're naughty or nice.

Partager la citation sur facebook Get Naughty this Holiday Season.